From body betrayal to body trust

When I was in my teens and early 20’s, I mostly had a positive relationship with my body. Maybe some parts were smaller than I wanted and others bigger, but I generally felt fine about my appearance and had confidence that my body would do what I asked of it. I was a runner and swimmer through high school and parts of college. Ran a couple of marathons. Danced a lot including many years of ballet and middle eastern dance. I never really faced any serious illnesses, just the typical colds and such. Then, in my late 20’s, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn’t have a family history that I knew of. None of the genetic markers came back positive. I was very young to be diagnosed and there was no explanation for why.

This illness changed my relationship with my body. I had a grueling year of treatment, including surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation. I opted to forego reconstructive surgery, leaving my physical form permanently altered. I had very little energy for exercise and have never really been able to get back into running in the way that I could before cancer. Perhaps the worst part was that I felt betrayed by my own body, like it was literally out to kill me. It seemed that I couldn’t trust my body anymore and felt anger for essentially losing a year of my life. I had a lot of fear. Would the cancer come back? If it did, would I be able to beat it again? I no longer felt invincible. I had to come to terms with my own mortality.

In the following years, I also faced unexplained infertility, which felt like another betrayal, especially when society sends so many messages that a woman’s worth is tied to her ability to have children. It felt like my body had both tried to kill me and then wouldn’t do what seemed like an essential function.

In the past few years, I’ve realized that I wanted to reestablish a friendship with my body. To stop viewing my body as an enemy or a disappointment, but rather as my sacred vessel, my physical form that provides me with safety and insight. After the challenges, how could I reconnect with the different aspects of my body, not just the physical tissues and bones, but the emotional body, mental body, and spiritual body?

Dancing has been a way for me to connect with all those layers of my body and re-build body trust. It has been deeper than acceptance of my physical appearance. Dance has been the conduit for realizing that my body has within it deep wisdom. Tapping into my own intuitive way of moving, being present with sensations and the breath, tuning into my own internal vibrational state, these are the paths of my healing, of deepening trust and discovering even greater opportunities for my life. Focusing on what my body can do rather than limitations. Reveling in the magic that lies within each of us. Finding how the dance can take me into hypnotic states that are needed for rewiring my own neural circuitry. Dance has changed me deeply and unlocked doors of possibility.  

If you are interested in exploring how you can reconnect with your body, I invite you to dance, whether that’s at a JourneyDance class, alone in your living room, or with friends. As you go deeper and deeper with the practice of moving intuitively, I hope that you can tap into your own wells of wisdom, find healing where it’s needed, and delight in your earthly form.